A Savage Hypocrisy

The Losers is a crappy movie

2010-05-18T00:54:00.001+08:00

Butchered beyond recognition by whatever dipshit director directed it, The Losers is one of the worst comic book to movie adaptations ever.

There are good comic book adaptations like Batman or Iron Man, where although significant aspects of the original stories were changed, the essence and spirit of the comic book were retained. And then, there are utter travesties like The Losers. Nothing significant was changed, but story just lost it's mojo.

It's like taking a shit except that you don't take a shit. You just sit there and wipe your ass and then walk out of the theatre feeling extremely constipated.

Yes, it was that bad. The Losers was supposed to be a dark commentary about America's shady hand in world affairs in the post cold war world. It was also a tragedy where almost everybody dies in the end.

The Losers would have been a good movie, had Hollywood's money-minded hand not dicked around with it. Under the watchful eyes of some seasoned shitbags, the movie became a watered-down, family friendly and politically correct shadow of it's comic book self.

Let me give you a glimpse into the mind of a monkey behind the typewriter:

"Iron Man was a succesful movie"
"Oh yes it is! It's because of the charisma of leading man, Robert Downey Junior"
"Jeffery Dean Morgan looks like Robert Downey junior"
"Oh yes! We shall cast Jeffery Dean Morgan as the main protaganist!"
"I shat a banana!"

That seems perfectly fine, except that the main protagonist was a man or around 35, as opposed to Jeffery Dean Morgan, who is 80. And he and pretty much everybody else were stoic men who did not once smile in the comic book. That is as opposed to the their movie counterparts who chortled around like a bunch of fuck-asses.

The same goes for the antagonist, a faceless man of exotic ethnicity veiled in a shroud of secrecy. The movie, however, showed him to be a boring assed Caucasian guy with a whiny nasal twine in the very first scene he appeared in.

In the comics, The Losers were cool people who accomplished some amazing black-ops feats and were called The Losers because they had nothing to lose. But in the movie, they were know by that name because they were losers. They went on failed mission after failed mission and by the end of the movie, nothing was resolved.

They literally got nowhere. Back to square one with the only consolation as "seeing that Max dude's face", they still had the time and stupidity to attend some little league soccer game. Yes, that was how the movie ended, a bunch of hardened soldiers happily horsing around at a little league soccer game, completely forgetting that they failed their mission, accomplished nothing, their lives are in danger, their very presence at the game endangers their loved ones and the trivial fact that the world is in danger too.

I know they want to leave room for a sequel. But God fucking damn it.

Orwell FTW

2010-03-13T19:08:00.003+08:00

Today, I achieved Nirvana. MLIA

2010-01-28T21:43:00.004+08:00

First of all, let me apologise for updating. I seriously did not mean to. But I did something totally awesome today.

I entered an altered state all by myself. I experienced rapid eye movement (REM) while I was conscious. I know you are too damn busy to click on the Wikipedia link, so I shall save you the trouble by telling you that REM is a state of deep sleep where dreams mostly occur. During REM, one's eyes will also, move rapidly.

I tripped heavy balls and hallucinated lots of awesome shit. Furthermore, I was also able to will myself to drift in and out of this hallucination at will for a couple of times.

In a way, I literally got high on life. That is all.

Don't bother coming back for at least a month. I'm an obsessive person with an addictive personality. All my resources and energy during the past two months were concentrated on my motorcycle (which I have yet to acquire and hence the obsession).

Now, some of them would be diverted into me reentering this Nirvana again. It's seriously fucking awesome. At one point, I felt one with the furniture in my room. You should try it too.

This was actually the third I entered this state, but the first time where everything was so vivid. The first two times I had it, I just brushed them aside.

From my experiences, I have noticed a pattern:

All three times, I did not have proper sleep the previous night.

I was also doing some strenuous physical activity in the preceding twelve hours.

I was lying on my back on my bed without a pillow

The light was on.

My computer was on too. It's a loud computer with the heavy droning. I did some research (Google) and this supposedly helps with hallucinations.

For today's episode, I had a heavy meal before it. Heavy meals before sleeping induces nightmares, so this might be relevant.

If you recreate the above scenario. you might just experience what I experienced. That is what I'm planning to do.

Oh, and there was no Wikipedia link. I was too damn lazy to put it in.

R.I.P. Samak.

2009-12-02T23:04:00.005+08:00

1935-2009, celebrating 74 years of culinary excellence.

Farewell Samak Sundaravej, former Thai Prime Minister. The only world leader ever to be kicked out of office for having a cooking show.

Travesty: Disney buys Marvel.

2009-09-02T23:53:00.004+08:00

The fuckery of fuckeries has finally hit us. Marvel got seduced into the dark side by corporate whore, Disney.

That's right. Disney bought Marvel. The producers of cheap crap such as Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas and Nick Jonas are taking over all our beloved comic book characters. Badass people like Wolverine, Thor and Hulk will soon be under the Jew-hating Disney umbrella.

Marvel on Ice! Coming soon to a Disneyland near you!

This unfathomable move, which is scorned by millions and in the far future, will forever be know as "The Great Tragedy of 2009", is largely motivated by wanton corporate greed:

"If it works out, Marvel's chief executive, Isaac "Ike" Perlmutter, 66, will pocket a hefty payday. He snatched Marvel assets out of bankruptcy in 1998, in a deal that valued the company at around $450 million including debt, outmaneuvering investors Carl Icahn and Ronald Perelman. His 37 percent stake in Marvel is now worth about $1.5 billion."

Ike Perlmutter, you whore, you just sold out your very soul.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

2009-08-30T00:31:00.002+08:00

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.

Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned with a contact-high. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Fuck you, world.

2009-08-23T22:59:00.001+08:00

Our society stands at the dawn of annihilation. Our streets run wild with dilapidated filth; we are the corrupted spawn of a rotten breed. We suck in the ether of our perceived virtues; we get drunk on the pungent excrement of modern royalties.

Our minds, they wander, but our bodies remain in chains. We are zombies kept in cages. Dosed with opiate and kept in bondage, we are perpetual slaves to the corporate whores.

We scream for emancipation; we pound our fists against the doors of freedom. Our churches and politicians, they promise us salvation. But like forked-tongued serpents, they deliver nothing. Petty vermin one and all.

The Heavens, they ignore us; the passersby, he pretends not to see. Our dire plight remains unseen to all except us. Drenched in filth, we are orphaned and neglected. We have no future, knee-deep in our own shit, we can do nothing but usher in the inevitable.

The world is a sad place and I am Rorschach.

"Anybody wanna hear my batman voice?"

Fuck you, world.

5 types of people to block on twitter.

2009-08-10T18:28:00.005+08:00

Translation: I have no friends, my girlfriend is a toaster.

They are scourge of the Twitterverse and are numerous in number. They lurk behind glowing computer screens in dimly lit dungeons and get a boner every time somebody follows them. They don't just need to be unfollowed, they need to be blocked and subjected to a slow, torturous death. Here they are, the 5 types of people to block on Twitter.

#5. The People Peddler.

Some people use Twitter to sell their products. These assholes litter their tweets with so much @s, they practically sell people. They get a mini-orgasm whenever it is #followfriday so that they can bombard their followers (all twelve of them) with inane recommendations that nobody gives a damn about:

"HEY GHAIZ! FOLLOW @DBaggerson @Farauckington @Calvinunt @Percivalenis @ShellyHit @PansyIss @Colinsuckerton @MoeFuller LOL!!one #followfriday"

Does God give you a dollar every time somebody clicks on those? Get a fucking life and stop retweeting:

"RT @DBaggerson: Just ate lunch."

Nobody gives a shit.

#4. The Angry Heathen.

"Konichiwa"

This motherfucker is probably unbaptised and all his tweets look like this:

"टेक्स्ट: यज्ञ शर्मा भाई-भाई की चर्चा शुरू होने पर हिंदुस्तान में लोग आज भी अक्सर राम-लक्ष्मण की बात करने लगते हैं। अरे भाई, युग बदल गया है। "

Nobody understands him. He secretly retweets his old tweets because we cannot tell the difference. How the hell does he get 60 000 followers?

This guy scares me.

I can just picture the little bugger, hiding out in some Al-Qaeda enclave, typing away on his शर्माभाई laptop with one hand and simultaneously using the other to derive intense sexual satisfaction from our confusion,

#3. The Iran Reporter

Nose jobs are sooo Iran!!

This individual has never been to Iran and knows no Iranians but some weeks ago, started wearing a head-scarf and ending all her tweets with "#iranelections".

"Like OMG you guys! The Iraqians are like having an election! Let's join their fight for democracy! LOL #iranelections"

Holy shit! It's a big fucking deal! Iran is having an ELECTION! I JUST CAME!

Never mind the fact that they have one every four years, the fact that Mir-Hossein Mousavi, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's opponent was a previous president, the fact that he too is a conservative son-of-a-bitch, the fact that the president of Iran is like the Queen of England or the fact that this is already the tenth democratic election.

No, disregard all of that. IRAN IS HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION! LET'S ALL JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON AND FUCKING TWITTER!

#2. The Social Media Expert Specialist.

My other shirt is a Firefox

This guy is a Social Media Expert Specialist because his twitter account says so. This self proclaimed king of everything interwebs has 10 000 followers and takes great pride in that.

"You got laid? So what? I've got 100 000 new followers"

They form like 50% of the population of twitter and tweet at least 70 times a day. Nothing useful comes out of them. Most of their tweets consists of irrelevant little tidbits of information about some random crap that no body cares about and gay-assed links to inferior websites that pay them 2 cents every time someone clicks on them.

"Conversion rates double with Helix Re-Stockader v3.41. http://om.ly/Fnhq"

"Increase backlinks at an exponential rate with Backlink-Douche, only $39.99. http://bit.ly/fnLfB"

They have an account on every website imaginable but have no pictures of themselves as they all look like fat Marlon Brandos. In a way, they are what you call parasites, a small minority feeding off of a large collective while offering nothing of value in return.

If I had my way, I would tie them up and feed them dog shit.

#1. The Dimwitted Douche Bag.

"OMG you guys! I'm on fire but I'm not really on fire because there is a paper bag on my head!"

This is somebody who thinks E stands for idiot. He signed up for twitter once he got wind of it and promptly followed 2 000 people. Nobody followed him back and after 200 tweets, he still does not know what the @ symbol means.

Although Twitter is already full of idiots, this dipshit still finds it impossible to comprehend the contents of other people's tweets.

"@DBaggerson HAHA. LAWL. What does you means? Who is Sarah Pailn?"

"@Calvinunt Me fail English? That's unpossible"

During his free time, this guy would look at the "Trending Topics" column, pick out names that he doesn't know and then tweet:

"Who is so-and-so?"

Bloody hell, in the time you took to tweet, you could have fucking Googled it, twice. Do you get a boner broadcasting your stupidity? Go back to pleasuring yourself to gay porn, Twitter doesn't need you.

Retards are born out of incest, people like this are born out of ass-rape.

Twitter is down.

2009-08-07T01:22:00.003+08:00

As I am writing this, Twitter is down and epically failing. Apparently they are suffering from a denial of service attack.

"DOOODE! We know how much you love failing, so we gave you a fail tattoo of a fail whale so you can fail while you fail!"

This is a global disaster of epic proportions. The cold hand of fate has never dealt us a harsher hand. Millions of innocent people all over the world are now unable to access their twitter accounts.

Without Twitter, my life seems to be void of any meaning now. Somebody please kill me.

The Savage: A Forgotten Tale.

2009-08-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

Towering trees and the lush smell of greenery engulfed him. Michael was in a forest.

"So, what is your third wish?" asked the old woman beside him. Michael did not recall her being there before. But then again, Michael did not seem to recall anything.

"Third wish? Whatever happened to my first two?"

"You appeared to me confused and amnesiac, for your first wish you wanted to find out who you were and why you were here."

"Then why don't I know who I am and why I am here?"

"Oh, once you were privy of that, you asked me to make you forget everything." Answered the old woman. "So, what is your third wish?"

Michael was silent.

Australian woman stuck in toilet for a week.

2009-07-30T18:14:00.005+08:00

Toilet.

The Jakarta Globe: Australian Woman Rescued After Stuck in Toilet For a Week

"An Australian woman was stuck in her toilet for a week before neighbors heard her cries for help, officials said Tuesday.

The 67-year-old Queensland woman was found on Sunday, seven days after she became trapped, the state community safety department said.

“Firefighters accessed the woman and freed her. Paramedics treated the woman and transported her to Ipswich Hospital,” the department said in a statement.

...

“She was very dehydrated but she was conscious.”..."

WTF. DEHYDRATED?! HOLY SHIT YOU'RE DEHYDRATED! YOU'RE IN A BLOODY TOILET FOR CHRIST' S SAKE! DO YOU NEED DIRECTIONS AND A FUCKING MAP?! WOULD YOU BE STARVING TOO IF YOU'RE STUCK IN A SUPERMARKET?! GOD DAMN IT! OH THE HUMANITY! I'M GOING TO BURN OFF MY NIPPLES WITH A WIENER ROASTER!

Japanese man claims pillow is his girlfriend.

2009-07-28T22:11:00.004+08:00

The empire of small cocks has done it again. Nisan (below) from Japan has a girlfriend who is a pillow. He is not the only one. Hordes after hordes of extremely eligible Japanese men are now finding romance in pillows.

"When I die, I want to be buried with her in my arms.”

The New York Times: Love in 2-D

"Nisan is part of a thriving subculture of men and women in Japan who indulge in real relationships with imaginary characters.These 2-D lovers, as they are called... have real romantic feelings for their toys. The less extreme might have a hidden collection of figurines based on anime characters that they go on “dates” with during off hours. A more serious 2-D lover, like Nisan, actually believes that a lumpy pillow with a drawing of a prepubescent anime character on it is his girlfriend."

This is fucked up on so many levels, I just can't think of anything rational to say. The radiation must have messed up their species really badly.

"I'm so ronery."

78% of all weird shit comes from Japan.

OMG! Michael Jackson Died!

2009-07-25T17:38:00.005+08:00

Personally, I think the mustache is cute.

Of maps and territories and stuff.

2009-07-19T18:31:00.004+08:00

What makes a map? A map is a description of a territory. The best maps are ones that describe a territory most accurately.

By that definition, the best map of a territory would be the territory itself. The territory itself would serve as the most accurate and perfect description of a territory.

But as a map, it is utterly useless.

Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern John Stewart.

2009-07-12T14:43:00.006+08:00

Ryan Reynolds will star as DC comics superhero the Green Lantern in the upcoming DC comics film, "The Green Lantern". Source.

Seventh picture in Google. First one with him wearing a shirt.

Many prominent names in Hollywood such as Bradley Cooper, Jared Leto and Gregory Peck, have expressed interest in the much coveted role, but the part went to Reynolds due to his physical resemblance to the character.

Filming begins January 2010, once Reynolds wraps up filming for Luke Cage.

Stephenie Meyer's other timeless literary classic.

2009-07-08T18:08:00.007+08:00

Rejoice people!

Stephenie Meyer, author of the award winning and critically acclaimed novel, Twilight, has written another book to capitalize on her new found fame!

"Bella Swan is based on myself"

This new book is called "The Host" and will surely go on to win both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Iranian Presidential Elections.

After vampires, Stephenie Meyer has decided to write about alien body-snatchers.

These body snatchers are called souls and take over human bodies because humans are too violent, as opposed to alien body snatchers, who are benevolent and kind.

Stephenie Meyer's God-like genius eludes our mortal ability to fathom.

Books: A Savage Hypocrisy

2009-06-28T23:58:00.003+08:00

If you make reading books a hobby, you are a hypocrite because books are a savage hypocrisy.

Books consists only of words. A book is harder and more time consuming to digest than a movie or a graphic novel. But the artistic merit of a good movie or good graphic novel is on par with that of a good book. So why go to through the trouble of reading books at all?

Because reading books satisfies your intellectual vanity. You feel more civilized than the rest because you have just put yourself through "a piece of literature". It is like useless guys hitting the gym everyday to put on useless muscles that they never use.

When you read books, you practically jack off to your own mirrored image.

Be a fireman, burn your books.

Fuck me, I'm a Regimental Policeman

2009-06-21T21:23:00.006+08:00

Yeah. My basic military training is over and I have been assigned to be a "regimental policeman". Basically, my job would be to sit in the guardhouse and get fat.

It's a stay-out vocation, meaning that I don't even have to stay in camp. And the first two weeks consists of nothing but lectures. I heard that the people selling weight-loss products would stand outside the camp every now and then to give out brochures.

Seriously, I don't know why it's even considered a combat vocation at all. Some of us don't even carry guns. Those not trained in weapons carry this awesome combination of a lethal wooden baton and an impenetrable rattan shield. They look like bloody clowns.

It's relaxing and a sought after vocation by some but I think it will bore the hell out of me. I would rather undergo tougher training and see more action. Slacking in the guardhouse and jacking off to FHMs does not beat banging Taiwanese chicks with SAF standard issue condoms.

Too bad we don't get to choose. But I'm not really complaining, I'm just glad I didn't get some shit like "ditch digger". Anyway, tomorrow would be my first day. Wish me decent amounts of luck. Within good time, I'll be a slimming pill spokesman.

All 9 Michael Bay movies in one picture. (including Transformer 2 and 3)

2009-06-18T16:59:00.004+08:00

Insects

2009-05-31T17:28:00.004+08:00

Are fucking stupid. All they do is fly towards light bulbs. They sit their asses on them and get insanely burnt. Then they do it again and again until they die and litter the ground with their crusty carcasses.

Why are they so fucking stupid.

Prison Break in 5 Seconds

2009-05-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

I just came back from field camp and Mas Selamat got captured.

2009-05-09T13:04:00.004+08:00

Field camp sucked. You don't shower for a week and your face camouflage is on twenty-four seven. You sleep and shit in holes you dig in the ground (different holes, of course). When you leave, you cover them up. Sometimes, you dig your sleeping place at a previous shitting place.

So now you sleep in shit.

It happened to this guy I knew. No wonder they said people cry during field camp.

In field camp, we were cut off from the outside world and our commanders would tell us false soccer scores and news just to fuck with us. When they told us Mas Selamat was captured, I was cock sure they were shitting us.

But then I booked out and saw the headlines. Wow. He really did get captured. And the newspapers had really interesting things to say:

Wtf.

The prick got arrested by the Malaysians, one year after he had escaped from a Singaporean prison AND gotten out of the country.

I don't get it.

I am back from the army.

2009-04-29T23:35:00.004+08:00

I have just spent the last two weeks locked away in Pulua Tekong (some Singaporean island) undergoing Basic Military Training. I had an interesting time there. We got treated like dogs and our camp was haunted (no, seriously).

I didn't really see anything personally, but some of my friends did. There were twelve people in my bunk, but a bunk mate claims he saw a thirteenth person sleeping in one of the extra beds.

If I wasn't so awesome, I would have been scared shitless.

Anyway, army life was crap. As recruits, we were without ranks and hence the lowest form of life there. Even a bloody Private can just fuck us six ways to Sunday for no reason.

Our training was fucked up and our adolescent bodies, fresh from puberty (I'm not shitting you here, there was this guy whose voice hasn't even broken), were pushed beyond limits everyday. As training progressed, more and more people started reporting sick.

In field camp, shit gets even worse. People usually start crying as early as the second day. I would be going for my field camp in two days. My friends who have gone through that have told me that it was six days of pure hell. Not one person had even one word of praise for it.

Besides the above mentioned crap and fucked up shit, the army is also about timing and punctuality. There would be a timing to meet for almost everything you do.

Because of that, I soon mastered the intricate art of bending time and space. I was able to strip a rifle in under twenty seconds and shit, shower and do my laundry all in ten minutes

All in all, the army was a fucked up experience. Although it is better now than it was some years ago, it is still fucked beyond measure. However, despite that, I'm glad I went through with all that shit. I have no idea why, but I feel more awesome now than before I enlisted.

As I walked home yesterday in my army fatigues, I saw civilians for the first time in two weeks and couldn't help but feel a wicked sense of superiority. I went through hell; they didn't.

I'm better than all of them.

I'm enlisting in the army.

2009-04-13T19:07:00.005+08:00

In about eight hours time, I will officially be a soldier. Like the rest of my brethren, my time of the month has come.

In life (especially in Singapore), there are only two things that are certain: death and National Service (NS). Among the two, one is more certain than the other, as evident in the capitalisation and the cool abbreviation of it into just its initials. Since when has death just been D?

Come to think of it, why is abbreviation such a long word?

Anyway, I take back my first sentence. I will not be a soldier; I will be a conscript. There is a distinction in the two.

In the game Red Alert 2 (It came out in 2000 if I'm not wrong), American soldiers were called "GIs" and go for two hundred credits; Russian soldiers were called "conscripts" and go for a hundred credits. A dog was two hundred credits.

This time tomorrow, I would be worth half a dog.

Up until a few days ago, I have never thought that my time come. My enlistment date is a bit late; most of my friends have had theirs in January. I was so caught up laughing at their shaved heads and stupid army misadventures that I thought I would perpetually be in a not-in-the-army state.

Today, the inevitable has finally dawned. As much as I think it will be a bloody waste of my time, I'm actually looking forward to it in a I-can't-wait-to-get-this-fucking-bullshit-over-with kind of way.

I will be confined in camp for about two weeks, so updates will be a bit irregular during this period. Read my old posts for entertainment if you are bored. I have taken the liberty to categorise them into neat categories.

You can follow me on twitter too: @loutianren.

I highly doubt I will be able to sleep tonight. But I probably have to. I have heard that sleep is an extremely rare and coveted commodity in the army. So I will being going off now.

The epic 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix road trip part two.

2009-04-10T02:58:00.008+08:00

Continued from The epic 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix road trip part one.

Firdaus and I traveled over 350km from Singapore to Malaysia to watch the 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix.

Along the way, we encountered numerous trials and tribulations, such as getting kicked out of a reggae bar by a she-male and journeying ten kilometres on foot to find a non-existent burger place.

View Larger Map
This here is part two of our story (be warned, it's a long story):

2330: Firdaus and I met at Woodlands (place in Singapore nearest to Malaysia). We were supposed to meet at 2300.

We took a bus into Malaysia.

0010: Got down from the bus to go through the Malaysian immigration.

0035: We got lost in their new immigration building.

0045: We needed to get back onto the bus to go to the Larkin Bus Terminal, so we asked the immigration officers for help. They told us that the bus had already left.

0050: We proceeded to take a cab to the Larkin Bus Terminal. The last bus was supposed to depart at 0000. We asked the cab driver whether we had a any chance of catching a bus. He said no.

But we asked him to take us there anyway. There was no way we are going to turn back just because of some trivial shit like this.

0115: Reached Larkin Bus Terminal. Our irrational tenaciousness was greatly rewarded. The 0000 bus was delayed. It was going to leave in twenty minutes and it only had three seats left. We were lucky motherfuckers.

0530: We have reached Kuala Lumpur. The bus ride was awesome, it was originally supposed to take six hours.

There was nothing much to do that early, so we walked around and smoked a whole bunch of cigarettes.

0630: We made our way to a twenty-four hours internet cafe operated by some Indian hippie guy. With the help of the almighty iNtErWebZ, we mapped out our plan for the day. It was something like this:

0800:Look for a Ramly burger restraunt and eat Ramly burgers.

A Ramly burger is an awesome burger. The patty is wrapped in an omelette together with a generous amount of cheese, mayonnaise and oyster sauce. It is the best burger one can have and it owns the crap out of Ronald's.

It's only available in Singapore and Malaysia. In Singapore, it's only sold at makeshift stalls at night markets whereas in Malaysia, there are Ramly Burger restaurants, serving pipping hot Ramly burgers in air-conditioned comfort.

We had not eaten since eight the previous night and we have pledged not to eat until we find a Ramly burger restraunt. We were Harold and Kumar.

1000:Head over to Kuala Lumpur Sentral to buy our Formula One tickets.

1100:Go to the Backpackers' Travelers' Inn, get a room and chill out at their rooftop bar with a cold beer.

1400: Start journeying to the Sepang Circuit for the big race. It starts at five.

1900: Race ends. We attend the concert by Jamiroquai.

2200: Concert ends. We go to the awesome Reggae Bar (highly rated by the lonely planet), Zouk and rooftop bar at our hostel.

The plan sounded solid, but plans rarely go according to plan. This was how stuff actually happened:

0800: We went forth to find the Ramly Burger restaurant. We found two locations near us. One of them was on a road called "Jalan Raja Abdullah". We walked that road for forty-five minutes before we realised that we were walking in the wrong direction.

0900: We start walking in the correct direction.

0945: We were still walking. It's a fucking long road.

1000: We start wandering off Jalan Raja Abdulla. We spotted Jalan Raja Along, the road where the other restraunt is located.

1030: Couldn't find anything. The Malaysian sun was killing us. We asked a hotel for directions. The manager there gave us very specific directions. He must be a Ramly lover too.

1045: Spotted the Ramly Burger place from a distance. We actually ran there.

1050: Guess what? It wasn't a restraunt. It turned out to be a fucking supermarket. They sold frozen patties. Fuck you, hotel manager.

1100: We started walking back to Jalan Raja Abdullah. We have been awake for twenty-four hours and have not eaten in fifteen. There was still a Ramly burger place in Jalan Raja Abdullah which we didn't find. We would find it or we would die trying.

1105: We found it. It was just a few metres down the road from the point where we wandered off. We started running again. This was it, we were going to achieve what we had set out to do. The two hours of aimless wandering would all be justified.

1106: It was another supermarket. It then became apparent that there were no such things as Ramly Burger restaurants, only supermarkets. Fuck my life.

1120: We were hungry and settled on a place selling fried instant noodles. As I lifted a forkful of instant noodles to my mouth, I look down at the that forkful of instant noodles and I cried.

1150: We have finished our food. We started going over to Sentral to purchase our Formula One tickets.

1200: We have gotten our tickets and are at Kuala Lumpur's Chinatown AKA Petaling Street, Malaysia's backpackers' paradise. The Backpackers' Travelers' Inn was here.

1230: The Backpackers' Travelers' Inn was proving to be a bitch to find. But signs of the Reggae Bar were everywhere. The Reggae Bar had a guesthouse too, so we decided to find lodging there instead.

1300: Couldn't find it too. We went around in circles. I swear they were smoking pot when they were erecting the signs.

In the end, we got help from this British guy. Turns out, their sign that said "twenty metres ahead" actually meant "two hundred metres ahead".

1245: Reggae Bar Guesthouse was full. They told us that all the other guesthouses were also full. We didn't buy that crap. We are men, we don't take shit from guesthouse owners who don't wear shoes. We continued searching for other guesthouses.

1330: We found a room! It was the Backpackers' Travelers' Inn. Shit has come full circle. The dorms were out and we could only get a bunk bed. But it was still dirt cheap at RM28 (S$12 or US$8).

1335: We put down all our stuff, said "Fuck it." to the rooftop bar and just fell asleep.

1500: Firdaus woke up and then me. We were late. We started making our way to Sentral.

1545: We have reached Sentral and boarded a bus to the Sepang Circuit. Sitting in front of me was a dude who looked like the guy from Napoleon Dynamite.

1745: We arrived at Sepang. We have missed like half the race. I took a look at our seating and then realised why the tickets were so ridiculously cheap. Our seating did not consist of seats. It was all mud. The lucky few had grass.

Holy shit! It's a bloody sea of people!

1800: Watching the race. It was my first Formula One race, I have to say that it was quite awesome.

1815: Race ended because of thunderstorms. They did not resume it. The after-race gig by Jamiroquai was also canceled. We were stuck in the rain, standing in mud with nothing to do. We didn't even know who won the race.

1830: Some Finnish dude started running around in the rain with his flag. He fell down about a dozen times.

1845: Rain stated to mellow out. We started heading back.

1900: Discovered that bus company we bought tickets from was not the official bus company.

"Oh! Aerobus! They are crooks, I tell you." said the Indian dude who saw my ticket.

2000: Back at Sentral. Bought train tickets back to Singapore. It left the next morning at eight.

We discovered that between the two of us, we had a grand total of RM32. There was no way we could afford Zouk. We went back to our hostel.

2030: Back at the hostel. We were watching some chick flick on the communal TV and eating Ramly Burgers (finally) we bought off a street vendor. We ate them without cheese to save RM1 each.

2100: Went out. Firdaus received his pay. He withdrew RM20. Altogether now, we have roughly RM30. We went back to the hostel and slept.

0000: Woke up. We decided to go to the Reggae Bar, the rooftop bar was closed.

0015: At the Reggae Bar. It was fucking awesome, but a beer was RM13 and a jug was RM50. We decided to not buy anything and just blend into the background inconspicuously. Unfortunately, it was not a skill that we were skilled in. The waitress noticed us within minutes and we had to leave.

0020: There was a match going on so we hung around outside to watch it.

0021: Firdaus pointed out that the waitress was a man. I looked at her again. He was right.

0200: Match was over and we went back at the hostel and slept. We had to wake up at 0500 the next day.

0600: We woke up and ate breakfast at the communal lounge. We were the only ones there.

0615: Finished breakfast. Signed the guest book. I wrote down the South Park theme song. Firdaus wrote down some Borat lines.

0630: Some Caucasian girl came in looking for bunk beds. But there were no more. I gave her our room. I'm a nice person. We hung around a while more and then left.

0650: We were at the LRT station, taking an LRT to go to the train station. We discovered that we had lost our tickets. We made our way back to the hostel.

0710: Couldn't find our tickets anywhere. We were so fucked. All the money we had on us wasn't even enough to get us one train ticket.

Out of desperation, we shat our pants.

After we cleaned up, we used the computers to go online to ask people to transfer money to us. It was the only thing we could do. There were five people online from my contact list. The only person whose status wasn't set to away was my old secondary school teacher.

I was going to ask my secondary school teacher to transfer me money.

0720: I typed in "yo!" and pressed send. But before he could even reply, the old dude behind the counter found our tickets for us. It was bloody God-sent; the old dude was awesome. We thanked him and left for the train station.

0800: We were at the train station, ready to take out trains. Smoked a whole bunch to calm our raging nerves. An hour ago, we were literally shitting our pants.

1700: Back in Singapore! Woohoo! Praise be to the old dude.

The epic 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix road trip part one.

2009-04-07T01:27:00.014+08:00

On the 5th of April, I traveled over three hundred and fifty kilometres from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur to watch the 2009 Malaysian Grand Prix. It was not planned and was probably one of the most impulsive things that I have ever done.

View Larger Map
It was Saturday night and my friends and I were just sitting around on our asses, eating cheese burgers and drinking grape soda. I forgot what the hell we were talking about, but we got really hyped up about the Grand Prix for no reason.

We decided to go right then. We were going to go home, get our passports and meet back up in an hour. There was only two of us going, Firdaus and me; the rest had pussed out. So we started calling up all our friends. The conversations went something like this:

Me : Yo! Wanna go to Kulua Lumpur and watch the Grand Prix?
Friend: When?
Me : Right now!
Friend: WTF. Are you crazy?!

For some weird reason, no one wanted to come with us.

The qualifiers were already over and the actual race was going to happen in less than twenty-four hours. The tickets were also ridiculously cheap at RM50 (S$25 or US$ 17). There was a huge chance that we were not going to be able to score any tickets.

On top of that, by the time we met up, it would be 11pm. At that late a time, there were no more flights, trains or even buses. We had no way of getting into Kuala Lumpur from Singapore.

The only other way of getting into Kulua Lumpur was to cross the border into Johor Bahru (Malaysia city closest to Singapore) and taking a bus from there. We fiddled with the internet a bit and found out that the last bus leaves at 12am. We had only an hour to cross the border.

Making it to Kuala Lumpur in time and getting tickets was close to impossible. We had like a bloody snowball's chance in hell.

But we took that chance anyway. It wasn't so much about the Grand Prix. I don't know anything about formula one and the only driver I have ever heard of was Tricky Dick.

It was more about the impromptu-ness of it all. There was at most an hour between the conception and execution of the idea. Moreover, we had no idea what we were getting into. There was something very seductive about going forth into the unknown.

So, into oblivion, we marched.

Stick around for part two.

Remember the 13 year old little dipshit who fathered a child?

2009-03-29T15:29:00.006+08:00

Top: Alfie Patten, bottom left: Maisie Roxanne Patten, bottom right: Shrek

Remember him? The smart little boy scout who was so enthusiastic about parenthood and famously uttered:

“I know I’m young, but I plan to be a good dad.”

“I didn’t think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”

Well guess what? He's not the father after all. Owned.

You may have noticed that I took a picture of a newspaper article (If you haven't, get the fuck away from my blog). Yes, I read newspapers. I don't get my news from fancy-nancy "social media" websites.

Social media is a diabolical concoction secreted from the very pits of Satan's armpits. Its primary fan base consists of used car salesmen turned affiliate marketers and "social media experts" who are "social media experts" by virtue of owning a facebook and a twitter account.

I like to keep myself informed the old fashioned way. I receive my information at the breakfast table, reading my newspaper while having a cup of coffee, a hamburger and a lucky strike. All of which I paid for with one straw penny.

"Banish our old people to the outskirts of the city!"

2009-03-21T00:42:00.005+08:00

About a month ago, Singaporean health minister Khaw Boon Wah was toying with the idea of putting our old people in nursing homes in Johor Bahru, Malaysia.

Exiling citizens once they get old. That bloody idea just reeks of Fascism. Do you know which only other city in the whole world is doing that?

Pyongyang in North-Fucking-Korea.

That is exactly what they do over there. Despite being "Communist" and a "Socialist" state, the "Democratic People's Republic of North Korea" removes their people from the capital and relocates them to the outskirts of the city once they get old.

An investor is already building a nursing home in Johor Bahru. When more nursing homes are built there, the government would have an excuse to stop the subsidies for the local nursing homes.

The majority of us lesser mortals would not be able to afford the unsubsidized rates. Nursing homes in Singapore would close as a result. When that happens, most people would have nowhere to go after getting old and would be forced into Malaysian "retirement villages".

The wealthy few who can afford the celestial rates of unsubsidized nursing homes would stay.

Being able to remain in the country after spending one's whole life building the country's economy has now become a privilege.

Hey North Korea! High five!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

2009-03-10T16:41:00.002+08:00

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Document 6h

2009-03-06T00:49:00.008+08:00

My fury danced in orange streaks.
Goosebumps, they crawl upon my skin.
Ecstasy, from my hand it now leaks,
As I suck the cancer from within.

My thoughts rage, my soul, they defile,
I try to think, but my mind is lost,
'mongst the snaking hues ever so vile.
I'm a bastard son of Nietzsche and Droste.

I see their horsemen, whips and spears,
My mouth is dry, my hands are tied.
I'll watch Man drown in floods of tears,
And howl in pain with every stride.

The dark clouds, they loom and gather.
I pray and plead, but all in vain.
In hallowed house, I seek my shelter,
For Judgment shall dawn like the coming rain.

Bangkok bloody awesome.

2009-02-26T17:52:00.005+08:00

I am back from Bangkok.

During the four days there, I got my hair braided and then trimmed it with a switchblade, made friends with an elephant, got my nipples pinched by a strange man, sneaked into an under construction movie theater and got totally mashed on some of the finest Thai chronic ever.

Awesome trip.

Screw you Singapore. I am going to Thailand.

2009-02-22T20:20:00.002+08:00

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

THAILAND! BANGKOK! WOOHOO!

I am leaving in half an hour.

This time tomorrow, I would be slacking around in Khao San Road, getting dreadlocks, eating baluts and participating in pro-Samak demonstrations.

"I love cooking"

I won't be blogging during this period, so follow me on twitter to get updates while I am on the road.

G' bye!

Keith Richards

2009-02-19T02:10:00.007+08:00

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE SIXTY-MOTHERFUCKING-FIVE! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE TWENTY!

WEAR YOUR PANTS HIGH! TELL SOME WAR STORIES! DRIVE SLOWLY FOR FUCK'S SAKE! YOUR WRINKLES ARE BLOODY GRAND CANYONS! YOU'RE OLDER THAN OUR SIMIAN ANCESTORS!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE FUCKING ACT YOUR AGE!

Batman: GAY

2009-02-16T01:26:00.006+08:00

Following a recent acquisition of DC comics by Gay Rights Uganda, Batman will become a homosexual character.

Batman's homosexuality will be written into the DC continuum following the conclusion of the ongoing story arc, Final Crisis.

The reason cited for this sudden change in the caped crusader's sexuality was that there was a severe misrepresentation of gay people in the media.

"Too long has the gay man been a victim of the unspeakable horrors of media misrepresentation. We are portrayed as either flamboyant sissies or fat rapists. Making Batman gay will show kids that gay people are just normal people. This will be a huge step towards equal rights for gay people.

I have a dream, that my four little children will one day live in a world where they will not be judged by the fruitiness of their minds but by the content of their character. Let freedom ring from hilltops of !xokalulu!", said Brian Gregson (shown in photo), gay man and chairman of Gay Rights Uganda.

This move has also been well received by comics book fans, most of them being gay themselves.

Another Conversation with a madman

2009-02-12T02:28:00.007+08:00

This is an unexpected continuation of Conversation with a madman.

I ran into that crazy fellow again.

This is not him. I just thought the picture was cool.

He regaled me with awesome tales of how he got bullied in the army and other sordid details of his pathetic life.

He is fucking nuts. I really think he needs help. The first thing he said to me was,

"Hey i remember you! You saved me before!"

That was followed by

"You are young, you have something to live for. Me? I have nothing."

"You know when I was your age, I kept on winning the lottery."

"And now, I still do!"

I almost laughed out loud. The stuff he said was so retarded, I just had to record it.

Unfortunately my phone's native recording software could only record a minute of audio. I had to keep pressing the recording button several times and soon grew tired of it. Thus, i only have these excerpts.

They are all quoted verbatim and translated from Chinese.

"Do you know what I did in the army?"

"I was a store-man. Do you know how many stores I had to manage? FOUR! I had to manage four stores! I only had two hands! How am i supposed to manage four stores with two hands?"

The exclamation marks were his, not mine. He was insane not just by virtue of his appearance and mannerisms but also his speech. The tone and cadence of his voice would fluctuate and sometimes, he appeared as though he was just talking to himself.

"He wanted to fight me, but I DON'T WANT TO! So I got onto my knees. Everybody was looking. Then, I ran!"

"Fighting in the camp, in the army, is a criminal judge! (This was the only sentence he said in English)"

"I was then confined in camp. I cried. I was so exhausted and yet my commanding officer wanted to confine me."

"I was managing four stores! Could I cope with it? Could I? Could I? Could I?"

That was all I could record and remember. The rest of it was forgotten and also quite boring, it just consisted of him whining about his mistreatment in the army.

He is not married and picks out discarded cigarette butts to smoke. He probably has no friends.

He was poor, had no life and very clearly suffered from some sort of metal illness.

However, despite his pitiful predicament, the guys and I had little sympathy for him. We thought of him as a loser; we laughed at him. In our eyes, he was nothing more than an oxygen thief.

I have no idea why.

Fear

2009-02-07T03:16:00.007+08:00

From young, we are bred to fear. We are taught to submit, to not question.

The system drills it into us; our parents teach it to us. For fear brings about survival. Fear of hunger drives us to feed; fear of the dark brings us to light.

They want us to survive, but not live. We thus become pussies, not born but bred.

For the meek shall inherit the Earth.

Follow the right-hand path. Fear of the Lord gets you into heaven.

Fear is good. Fear of social isolation begates conformity. Conformity ensures survival.

A nail that sticks out shall get struck down.

But a nail that does not is forever just a nail. A bed of nails do not penetrate a person, but a single nail does.

A life of fear lived on conformity is not a life. God may favor the humble,

but fortune favors the bold.

This is Rob.

2009-02-01T05:00:00.000+08:00

He masturbates to you.

A gay gorilla, the worst super-villian ever.

2009-01-29T01:34:00.013+08:00

This is a continuation from my previous post, the top five worst super-villians according to Wikipedia. I wrote about four of them in my last post and now, I shall unveil the number one worst super-villain ever.

The worst super-villain ever, is this cool simian monstrosity shown below. He is a gay gorilla.

No shit.

His name is Monsieur Mallah and he was captured by a scientist when he young. The scientist then raised him to become a French Renaissance gentleman.

"'...Through secret teaching methods and shock treatments, I gave it an I.Q. of 178! Genius status!'

The Brain, explaining Mallah's origin in Doom Patrol #86"

After that, the scientist's lab got caught in an explosion. Mallah rescued him but his body was completely destroyed. The only salvageable part of the scientist's body was his brain, which was then kept alive in a jar.

He was then cleverly named the Brain.

After the explosion, Mallah and the Brain's budding romance started blossoming. In one of their many fruity adventures, the Brain got himself a shiny new robot hiney. Now they can finally make out!

This picture alone depicts every genre of pornography known to man.

If you liked hearing about gay people, check out who else is gay: the Jonas Brothers and Kaito Nakamura, father of Hiro Nakamura.

If you like comics, check out how Batman celebrates Christmas and take a look at this cool shit i drew myself about a man with a colostomy bag.

Top 5 worst super-villians according to Wikipedia.

2009-01-25T15:50:00.011+08:00

This list used only information from Wikipedia, the sum of all human knowledge. All quotes are also from Wikipedia, the sum of all human knowledge.

5. Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow.

You probably would have seen him in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, played by Cillian Murphy.

Its a dude.

Why is he number five? Because he is a loser.

"...the Scarecrow attempts to poison Joker with his fear toxin, only to find that it has no effect on The Joker, who in turn beats Scarecrow with a chair..."

"Crane is shown to have an inclination to sing nursery rhymes at times."

"...he based a lot of crimes around...words that rhymed with 'hat'."

A loser and also a few fruitcakes short of a picnic.

4. MacDonald "Mac" Gargan, the Scorpion.

You might remember him from the early Spider-man cartoons.

Where he kept getting beaten up again and again by Spider-man.

He is a bumbling buffoon who cannot do anything right. On top of that, he's insane.

"He is typically easily outsmarted by Spider-Man and is not very good at cooperating with other supervillains or following instructions..."

"...the Scorpion's constant defeats at the hands of Spider-Man drove him to depression."

"Gargan's returning sanity was cut short when he encountered a depressed and crisis-ridden Spider-Man. Ignoring Gargan's plea that he had changed, the wall-crawler beat him to a pulp."

Recently, he bonded with the Venom symbiote and became the new Venom. He now has cool new powers and looks like this.

But he still gets his ass kicked wherever he goes. He also failed to command any respect from anyone. Spider-man had this to say:

"A loser dressed like Venom is still a freakin' loser."^[32]

3. Dudley, Uncle Marvel.

Not really a villian, but can be counted as one because he sucks so much. This douchebag infiltrated the Marvel Family and tried to masquerade as one of them.

"Claiming to be Mary Bromfield's uncle, Dudley attempted to con his way into the Marvel Family."

This would have been okay had he not failed so badly.

"He'd make his 'transformation' along with one or more of the others, but not by magic; rather, by quickly removing his break-away garments to reveal his homemade Marvel costume underneath."

And look what an amazing excuse he gave.

"He explained his lack of super-powers by claiming he suffered from 'shazambago'."

2. Calvin Zabo, Mister Hyde.

First of all I have got to take my hat of to them for the ingenious originality. I'm surprised Marvel managed to come up with such a cool name like Mister Hyde all by themselves.

He is just a regular bloke who drinks a potion to unlock his evil side. No, it doesn't bear any resemblence to any existing story at all.

Even his alter-ego's name is stupid. "Zabo". WTF is a Zabo? Of all things why Zabo? Why, Stan Lee? Why?

Mister Hyde is also blatantly incompetent. On his first day, he got dealt a severe dose of ownage by Thor.

"He sought work as a surgeon in a hospital where Donald Blake was a directing physician, yet Blake would not allow him a job due to his history. Zabo was enraged that Blake would not give him the position and swore revenge. He was eventually successful in creating his formula, and turned into a huge, Hulk-like creature he called 'Mister Hyde'..."

"With his new superhuman powers he sought out Blake, who transformed into Thor and beat him senseless.^[1]

Owned.

1. Monsieur Mallah. Continued here in my next post:
A gay gorilla, the worst super-villain ever, according to Wikipedia.

Laos. WTF is a Laos?

2009-01-21T00:00:00.007+08:00

Laos is the most boring country on Earth. No one knows anything about it. I bet you cannot name me even one fact about Laos.

Do you even know what their flag looks like? No you don't because that wasn't the Laos flag.

The last person who knew how their flag looked like died in 1852.

Laos isn't even in the dictionary anymore. They removed it early last year, along with words like "compossible" and "niddering" because no one knew what they meant anymore.

Nothing happens in Laos. In 2008, Cyprus and Malta adopt the euro; in Zayouna, Baghdad, a suicide bombing occurred, killing over 25 people; in Nepal, Pushpa Kamal Dahal (known as Prachanda) was sworn in as the first Prime Minister.

But what happened in Laos? Nothing.

Seriously, are they even in the UN?

The Jonas Brothers is gay.

2009-01-14T23:52:00.006+08:00

Those three dipshits are the most vile and perverse bucket of faggotry to ever hit the music industry.

They play crappy bullshit and call it music; they wear crotch-killing painted-on pants and think they are rock stars.

Just look at the TV show they are going to star in. It is insanely gay. I quote this from wikipedia:

The original story line for the series had the title "J.O.N.A.S" standing for "Junior Operatives Networking As Spies". The original concept had been about the Jonas Brothers living a double life as spies. Chelsea Staub described it as, "like The Monkees and a little of bit of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. There’s going to be fun action sequences and still be a sitcom."^[6]

"Junior Operatives Networking As Spies". I seriously have nothing to say.

Also, one of them dated Taylor Swift for two years and didn't have sex with her. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Answer: They are gay.

Within.

2009-01-07T13:09:00.007+08:00

Michael rolled a pawn between his fingers. It had been close to ten minutes, his opponent still had not made a move. But Michael did not care, he was very patient. He had all the time in the world.

"Gabriel, " Michael said lazily, "Would you like to hear a joke?"

"What?" Gabriel did not look up, he was still contemplating his next move.

"A joke. Funny, ha ha. You know"

Gabriel was holding a King and staring intensely at the pieces. It was quite a while before he looked up.

"Sure, why fuck not. I'm gonna lose anyway." Gabriel threw the King back onto the chessboard. "I concede."

"Wise choice."

"Sure sure, get on with your 'joke'."

"Right."

Michael put down his pawn.

"There once was an emperor, his name was Henry. He was despotic and in every sense of the word, a tyrant. He was also a vain man and cared a lot about his appearance.

Merchants in a neighboring kingdom learned of this trait and decided to exploit it. They came to the emperor with a promise to make for him a set of the most magnificent robes ever. They asked for thirty thousand pieces of silver.

It was a splurge even for Gods.

But Henry's vanity knew no bounds and he paid them on the spot. The merchants, however, were not honest. They offered up to the emperor an empty platter and said that only fools could not see the robes.

The emperor, not wanting to be seen as a fool, changed into his new robes right away. He then gathered all his servants for them to see his new robes. He was of course, stark naked.

Out of fear, nobody spoke up. The emperor thought his robes were magnificent.

He then got all his people together for a parade, so that his magnificent robes could be see by all.

On the day of the parade, again, nobody spoke..."

"Hey wait, I know this story." Gabriel interrupted. "It ends with a boy revealing to them all that the emperor was naked."

"Yes, but do you know what happened to the boy and the merchants?"

"What?"

"The merchants? Nothing. The boy, he got sodomized in prison and his entire clan exterminated."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"That wasn't very funny."

"That's because nobody laughed."

Transporter 3 is a piece of shit.

2009-01-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

I watched it in Batam, Indonesia, when I was traveling there during my last post. The ticket cost two dollars. I can safely say that it was money well spent. That monstrosity of a movie is worth exactly two dollars.

The plot is filled with numerous holes and just reeks of stupidity. Any more retarded, it would be a stegosaurus.

The movie basically involves the bad guys kidnapping a Ukraine Minister's daughter to force him to sign some lame treaty.

Robert Knepper, leader of the bad guys, captured Jason Statham in southern France and forced him to deliver the girl to Ukraine.

Now, this all sounds perfectly fine, except for the trivial fact that Robert was at Ukraine receiving the delivery. He forced Jason to deliver the girl to himself. Shit has never been this stupid.

You might think this is dumb enough, but just when you think that the stupidity has all ended, it begins again.

To keep Jason in line, Robert put on him a bracelet that is wired to explode if he got too far away from the car. The bracelet is not remotely controlled and only explodes if Jason gets more than seventy feet away from the car.

Now, why couldn't Jason just drive the car, along with the hostage inside, straight to the police? Just what the fuck is stopping him?

Nothing. Seriously, nothing.

This shit could have been resolved in five minutes.

At least the girl was hot.

Of Batam and Bribery.

2009-01-01T18:53:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year folks.

I went to Batam, Indonesia. Woohoo.

We got caught up in "Imigrasi" for over an hour when an "Imigrasi" officer took Khoon to a little room and tried to extort a bribe out of him.

Khoon's passport was due to expire in three months and under Indonesian law, anyone entering the country needs a passport with a validity of at least six months. The officer tried to turn a blind eye and let Khoon through in exchange for a bribe.

Khoon, however, feigned ignorance and plain ignored the suggestive eye winks of the officer. He downright refused to pay the bribe.

But they let him through anyway.

I always thought that the "Imigrasi" officers would fuck you up if you didn't bribe them. Apparently, I was wrong.

So, if you ever were to go to Indonesia, don't give a bribe. Stand your ground and stare the motherfucker down.

The rest of my trip might be posted up here in a few days time, or not at all, depending on how disillusioned with life and suicidal I feel.

Batam is fucking awesome. You can smoke ANYWHERE.

Merry Christmas, Batman.

2008-12-28T02:45:00.004+08:00

MY PARENTS ARE DEEAAAAAAAD!!!

For more comics associated stuff, check out why Dick Grayson aka First Robin is awesome.

"A Nation Cheated" by Dr. Chee Soon Juan

2008-12-26T02:03:00.008+08:00

Merry Christmas sheeple,

On this joyous festive occasion, I have left the bowels of mediocrity and joined the ranks of the elite people who own a copy of Dr. Chee Soon Juan's latest best seller, "A Nation Cheated".

Dr. Chee is an opposition politician. The term "politician" used very loosely here as he has never held office. He was sued numerous times by members of the ruling party and even once, by a fellow opposition politician.

The book makes for an interesting read and contains some very serious accusations directed at the ruling party, PAP and its leaders.

Dr. Chee was sued into bankruptcy and oblivion in 2001 by then Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong and Senior Minister Lee Kuan Yew just for saying they were "misleading Parliament".

I seriously wonder why no one even reacted to the stuff he said in this book.

Google the title if you want to buy the book. There were some very serious accusations in it.

Nintendo DS for a dollar. Not.

2008-12-21T19:57:00.002+08:00

The bloody machine lied to me. All I got was a dumb key chain.

Monica Bellucci - World's Hottest MILF.

2008-12-18T15:22:00.002+08:00

I just watched Malèna and Monica Bellucci is fucking hot.

Just take a look at the movie poster for Malèna.

She is a GODDESS.

She is so fucking hot that one movie poster alone cannot do her angelic features justice. I had to type "Malèna" in google to find the other two movie posters and post them here.

You shat your pants yet? I did. And I got struck by Cupid to top it off.

This is a video someone made of her, using scenes from Irréversible. IT IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Monica Bellucci is so fucking hot that even the song used is shockingly orgasmic. It's Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi by French Affair.

A shitty band like that producing such an awesome song, only Monica Bellucci's timeless hotness is capable of such miracles.

I am in love.

Speaker.

2008-12-10T17:40:00.002+08:00

Fiddled around with my small speaker today.

A cookie to you if you can guess what I did.

PS: Not something major.

Yawn.

2008-12-05T15:12:00.005+08:00

His thin lips narrowed into a menacing sneer. His eyes, beady and unblinking, bore hard into the quivering figure before him. His gaze was steady and heralded several moments of unearthly silence.

Before his still frame, stood an old man. The man gulped , making a valiant but futile attempt to hide the fear he so obviously exuded. He was a good sixty years old and half a head taller. Thin and lanky, his now frail frame betrayed a body that was once well-built and muscular. His face was weather beaten and if not for the scars, almost handsome.

His features alluded to numerous tales and countless trials. Fear was not something that came easy to a man like him. Yet, his wavering eyes dared not even meet the deadly stare that greeted him. His beating heart struck upon his ribcage like a drum.

"Simon, ", the old man said and then paused, "Don't... don't do this."

Simon was silent. His sneer grew wider and his stare, more intense. His eyes were disturbingly penetrating but yet lifeless; his features were sunken and his skin sallow.

"Don't do this. Just... just stop right now. I can give you anything you want."

"You know I can do it."

The old man finished his sentence, but his mouth did not close. With wide eyes and a quivering lower lip, he searched Simon' s face desperately for signs of acknowledgment.

Someone, somewhere, is feeling my despair.

2008-11-14T18:01:00.010+08:00

I called and I called, just to make things right, where were you last night?

Last week, my computer and I had a major falling out. As a result, my Internet left me and I have not seen it for a whole week. What a week it has been, you cannot imagine the pain I had gone through.

I spent my days just sitting in front of the computer, begging for my Internet to return to me. It was a living hell. Every day was brutally agonizing. Without Internet, I saw no reason to live.

I grew to hate my computer; I could not bear to lay eyes on it. Every time I looked at it, I just got reminded of all the happy memories that I had lost. Everything I ate became bland and tasteless.

Sometimes, I would sit in the dark and pray that I get cancer.

It was then that I got a major epiphany:

It does not matter what you accomplish in life; it matters not how many A's you get, or how many people you kill. If you have no internet, you are nobody. You are only as cool as the gadgets you own.

Experiences and memories do not define the fullness of one's life.
Its the Internet, gadgets etc.
You will age. You will lose your physique. You can't pee right. You can't eat right. You will become senile and lose your memory.

You will still be cool if you have Internet.

Suddenly, I felt like a big bellied Ethiopian kid. Running around the wilderness of Africa, eating mud pies and dodging lions, without Internet.

Me and him, we are the same.

GOD

2008-11-03T23:16:00.004+08:00

Is a bassist.

Morgan Freeman

2008-10-24T17:51:00.003+08:00

Morgan Freeman

Heroes sucks balls.

2008-10-14T22:30:00.005+08:00

I hate that fucked up show. Words cannot describe how much disdain I have for it. It is Satan's charred and black excrement; a disgusting spawn of pure evil that is fit only to be shoved back into the scarlet anus it came from.

I thought it was okay during the first two seasons. But come the third season, the plot just started getting more and more ridiculous. Now Sylar is Peter's brother and Mohinder becomes a lizard. Oh and Peter's dad is still alive.

And what is the whole of season three about? Past Peter trying to fix stuff cause future Peter went back in time and screwed things up.

Can you imagine the amount of emotional distress one would suffer just listening to this crap? I hate Heroes with every festering sore in my body.

If I had a gun and unlimited ammo, I would kill the entire cast of Heroes. Director, producer, promotions manager. EVERYONE. Right down to the third cousin of that extra who played a passerby. Anyone with any association to Heroes, I will wipe their fucking existence right out of the history books.

Oh, and I will shoot Hiro twice. Just to wipe that fucking Japan off his face.

Dear STOMP, I saw a unicorn.

2008-10-13T03:45:00.002+08:00

STOMPer Tianren saw something very weird yesterday when passing by this void deck.

In an email to STOMP yesterday (12th October), the surprised STOMPer says:

"A unicorn appeared out of nowhere. He had a long, golden-blonde mane and trucker hat to keep it all under control. I knew it was a he because he had a massive boner."

"Seven Harlots sat on top of it. They wore ten crowns and all the while, they stared admirably at his boner. "

"Then, Walt Disney materialized. We had a long conversation about quantum-mechanic photonic emissions, which he made me forget by erasing my memory."

"After that, Walt took the Harlots and the unicorn and got a room."

"In case you insinuate that I'm lying, I have a picture attached to prove my experience genuine. I took it after they all left."

****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******

I actually sent the email.

Hurray for STOMP!. The platform for righteous citizens to voice out real and important concerns.

Conversation with a madman

2008-10-04T00:17:00.006+08:00

"Hey can I borrow a lighter?",

He enquired, jerking us out of our conversation. He was an odd looking fellow. Out of good nature, we complied and Khoon handed him the lighter. He took it and sat down next to me.

He took out from his pocket a closed fist and out of it, He dumped crumpled cigarettes onto the table. The tips of them were charred and black and all were not more than half a cigarette long. From that pile, I recognised one of my own butts, dropped some blocks behind.

Under the flickering light bulb, his simian features became more apparent. That upturned nose and big forehead, I will remember them for life.

"wofioweibf",

He mumbled something incomprehensible to Khoon. Khoon acknowledged but did not reply. He then chose one of his crumpled little cigarettes and lit one up. He started smoking and an awkward silence ensued.

Irked by the deafening silence, I asked him what He had asked Khoon.

"Oh, I just asked him whether he was married.",

He replied. There was another round of silence. It lasted a while and was only broken when Khoon said that he wasn't. I then asked him whether He was married.

"No, It's already game over for me, my last chance was nine years ago.",

He replied and took another puff of his cigarette. I asked him what had happened, but He did not acknowledge. All He did was smoke some more.

"I am already thirty one. There is no more time for me.",

He said again after another few moments of silence. I tried to crack a joke, but He did not laugh nor acknowledge. He just stared forward with his unblinking and glassy eyes.

Then, as sudden as his arrival, He just got up and left.

My buddy met the (Singaporean)President.

2008-10-03T00:35:00.005+08:00

This tale is a true story told to me many moons ago by a friend:

The Istana (Singapore Presidential residence) was having an open-house and my friend went for it. He was watching a show involving some prepubescent girls when the President's herald announced his arrival.

The President then went around shaking hands with everybody. When he arrived at my friend's seat, he stuck his hand out warmly and gave a smile so sincere that midgets would shit their pants.

But my friend was displeased by such mistreatment of midgets. He summoned up all his masculine fury and testicular fortitude, stood his ground with hands by his side, looked the President in the eye and stared him down.

Any strapping cowboy or hairy chested lumberjack in the President's position would have snapped my friend in half and then rape the newly exposed orifices. Or at the very least they would say something rude about his mother.

But the President did neither. He just walked away and acknowledged defeat.

Kaito Nakamura is GAY.

2008-09-23T17:26:00.006+08:00

OMG. I just found out that Kaito Nakamura is a gaylord fanny bandit. And he is getting married. I am fucking shocked. My whole perception of him has changed instantaneously.

For those of you who don't know, Kaito Nakamura is a Japanese war hero who later became an actor. He is best known for portraying Tuong Lu Kim in South Park and George Takei-Ensei Takezo in Heroes.

His acting in Heroes was so good that to this day, many news sources still refer to him affectionally as "George Takei".

Kaito has a daughter, Kimiko Nakamura, who is the CEO of the third largest Japanese corporation, Yamagato Industries.

He also has a son, Hiro Nakamura, who possess the power of teleportation. Hiro saved the world last year by stabbing a man with telekinetic powers who was about to explode.

So anyway. This is fucking shocking. I will never feel the same way about Takezo Kensei or Tuong Lu Kim ever again.

If you enjoyed that, check out heroes sucks balls.

Guitar Queer-O

2008-09-20T23:34:00.006+08:00

Apparently Guitar Hero is so good that some dorky kid quit school over it.

Blake Peebles, 16, of Raleigh, dropped out of school last year to devote himself to playing 'Guitar Hero,' and his parents agreed to have him home-schooled. 'I usually play till I can't anymore,' Blake says....
That is not to say that it was an easy decision for them to let Blake leave school last September. They (parents) would have preferred that he stay in high school with his brother. But he bugged them until they let him quit.
"We couldn't take the complaining anymore," says Hunter (his dad). More...

Goddammit. That kid is just too awesome.

Just look at how insanely cool he is

Mid-Autumn Festival

2008-09-15T01:20:00.004+08:00

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival folks.

May the bright mid-autumn harvest moon bring you big bounties and life that is long lasting and straight.

What really grinds my gears.

2008-09-05T13:21:00.002+08:00

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who use alternative swears. "Gosh darn it", "Sweet cheeses", "fudge", "freaking".

FUCK YOU.

Why use different words when you want to convey the same meaning? You think that just because your frustration takes another form, your meaning will be somehow diluted?

If you don't like swearing, then just FUCKING DON"T SWEAR AT ALL. Don't butter up all your words with lame assed oronyms and think that it will be better received.

You are not Chuck Norris, you can't have your cake and eat it too. When you use alternative swears, people around you don't go around you thinking, "Oh this individual here uses mellow choices of words to express his frustration, he is certainly an embodiment of all that is cultured." No, what actually goes on in their minds is, "What a fucking faggot.".

People who use alternative swears are fucking poseurs. They want to swear without actually swearing. They are just like agnostics or meterosexuals; people who try to be atheist or gay and then fail so fucking badly.

You know what else those people are like? That fat kid at the skate park. We all know one. The one with the element deck and the Bam Margera shoes. He cant' do shit and doesn't actually skate. He just sits on top of the half pipe and smokes for five hours. Then he goes home and goes on to his blog and goes "LOL! I IZ BE TIRED FROM ALL DATZ SK8INGS. ROFL!!!1!!one!!!eleven!!.".

All that rant, is of course, excluding people who say "Heck". "Heck" is an awesome swear word combining two lethal four letter expletives, "hell" and "fuck".

My other blog.

2008-09-03T12:35:00.004+08:00

Please do visit my other blog. It is a weblog created with three other like minded individuals which chronicles our journey to free ourselves from the shackles of the tobacco companies.

Yes, We have done the unthinkable and decided to quit smoking. The exact rationale behind this decision still eludes me. But hell, who gives a flying fuck?

Yea, so, go see my other blog.

Move Over, Batman.

2008-08-28T00:13:00.001+08:00

Batman is so fucking last millennium. For fuck's sake he was first featured in some old 1940s comic book. Yet, here we are, all shitting our pants over his latest movie.

Granted, it was good, and Batman is like my second favorite comic book character. But he in no way trumps my favorite - the first Robin, Dick Grayson. (Yes, there has been more than one Robin)

Grayson, now known as Nightwing, has matured over the years from a small, hot pants wearing little faggot into an all round embodiment of sheer kickassness.

Just look at how much ass he kicks. He kicks so much ass that some independent studio made a movie about him.

Here is the trailer. It rules. It ruled so much I shat myself.

God. I think I just came.

Felon - a shitload of asskicking.

2008-08-22T20:21:00.021+08:00

I was reading the newspapers and I saw some losers shitting their pants over half assed mediocore movies like The Mummy.

I even read about some douchebag singing Hellboy's praises. Seriously, what the fuck is so enticing about that film and its albino shitbag?

Those damned monstrocities, with all their huge assed budgets and spiralling plots, can't hold a fucking matchstick to a simple movie like Felon. Felon, though having a simple plot and low budget, is an awesome film.

You want to know how awesome Felon is? Well, let me tell you, it is fucking awesome.

The whole movie is about Stephen Dorff kicking the shit out of everyone's asses just because he can.

Need I say more? Just look at the amount of sheer masculine fortitude present in Stephen Dorff's pissed off scowl.

This man drinks rocks and pisses magma.

Go watch the movie. If you don't, Stephen Dorff will find you at night and sodomise you. You know how getting sodomised by Stephen Dorff feels like? Not good.

Flea Market.

2008-08-18T23:22:00.004+08:00

Found this among my old photos. It was taken at a flea market held many moons ago. It was a fucking epic failure. Read on.

Last year this time, me and my friends, shown below, decided to hold a flea market, for no apparent reason other than it seeming to be an awesome idea.

We researched online, and found this (seemingly) cool place called Bottle Tree Park. They held flea markets every fortnight and probably still hold them now. I then contacted the person and booked the place for two days.

We still had like two weeks to go until the opening of the flea market and being such enthusiastic first timers, we decided to go around advertising.

We went to most of the skate parks in the west area and spary painted our advertisements there. I even ventured into the shadowy world of online forums to spread the word.

As the day grew near, I became more and more confident of this venture. I sometimes had dreams of myself swimming in the endless sea of money I was about to make.

When that day came however, we were sorely disappointed. The place was fucking far from the train station. The path too, was treacherous and difficult to navigate. The whole park was also damn huge. We found the flea market area after forty five minutes and when we got there, we discovered we were the only stall operating that day.

So we then set up our stuff and shit and basically just sat around there doing nothing. There was like fucking nobody there; I have seen ghost towns that are more crowded. In the afternoon there was more people, but none of them bought anything, except for this kid who bought forty cents worth of Pokemon cards from me.

In the end, we got so desperate we started selling stuff to each other. Jack bought a pair of jeans from me and a cap from Saiful and Maft bought a bag from me. My total earnings for the day : $37.40.

The next day we tweaked our inventory a bit. Since most of our patrons from the day before brought kids, we decided to bring some kids stuff to sell. But it changed no shit. No one bought anything.

In the afternoon, the other stall owners arrived. They were all selling children's clothing and shit. Somehow, their business was worse than ours. People didn't even give them a second glance or buy anything from them.

Later in the day, this cool Malay guy came over and bought two phones from me for $200. I was feeling pretty good about myself and then something happened that made my day even more.

Two skaters actually showed up. They heard about the flea market through our persistent advertising. They were the first and only people who came that way. They bought some bearings and left.

At around nine, when the crowd was starting to thin, the other stalls packed up and left. I felt bad for them. They were like twice our age and probably did flea markets for a living. Yet they have not sold anything for the whole day.

We stayed for a little while and then also packed it up. At the end of the day, I made $242.40, Zul made like four bucks from selling action figures and the rest earned nothing. Epic fail. I sold only like one percent of my stuff. Never again.

meh.

2008-08-16T23:35:00.007+08:00

Skated with Jack and the guys one last time before Jack leaves for the States. Jack gave us all decks. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Haven't skated for fucking long. My legs are rusty. But I somehow still had most of my tricks down. I am awesome.

Colostomy Man.

2008-08-12T22:18:00.003+08:00

I want to be a bear

2008-08-03T12:59:00.005+08:00

Fuck yea. I want be a bear.

Bad Guys?

2008-07-26T01:31:00.008+08:00

Good guys always seem to die. They martyr themselves in battle; They perish in the name of lofty ideals. Captain America, Martian Manhunter and even Superman, albeit resurrected, are all dead. They faced Goliaths, they fought for the vulnerable and they waged war against impossible odds. Their sacrifices were great and their deeds noble, but they failed in one of our most fundamental purposes of existence - to survive.

Villains on the other hand, also risk their hides constantly. They perform the most hideous of crimes and offend the most unoffendable of people. With every insidious escapade, they play with fate and toy with destiny. They court death and probably deserve it, but yet none of them have died. Not one.

They might not be the ones you want marrying your daughter, but in every given scenario, they are the ones certain to survive. They do not share the moral obligations and conscientious convictions of the "heroes". They have no stake in the moral high ground and will do what is necessary to live. Pushed into a corner, they will trade lives for life and barter soul for flesh.

You do not see their deeds commemorated in statues or commemorated at all. But, though fallen and damned, they pulled through with their lives. Their ranks are not depleted and they live to skirmish another day. They might get put down again, but rest assured that they will rise, for the inheritors of the (comic book)Earth are not the meek or the humble, but the hard and the cold.

Removed the tag board temporarily. Seems that it has been giving me pop ups.

Wanted

2008-07-08T13:46:00.005+08:00

Sucked donkey balls.

For those of you who don't know, the movie was actually an adaption of a very kick-ass graphic novel of the same name.

The movie, however, failed to retain any of the brilliance present in the graphic novel.

It felt like a fucking Disney production. Timur Nuruakhitovich Bekmambetov (Director) removed like seventy percent of the book and then proceeded to replace it with his own mainstream friendly bullshit. Where was Shithead? Fuckwit? Johnny Two-dicks?

Why the hell is Wesley's boss and Fox white when they very clearly were black? And what the fuck is up with those curving bullets? It was like the lamest shit ever and there was not even the faintest mention of them in the book. Timur Nuruakhitovich Bekmambetov pulled that crap straight out of his ass, just like how he did with the thousand year old assassin league shit.

A movie adaption doesn't have to follow its pulp counterpart to the letter, but it at least has to retain its essence. Wanted started out okay, but halfway through it just spiralled out of control with fucked up bullshit conjured up by Timur Nuruakhitovich Bekmambetov. It's like Timur Nuruakhitovich Bekmambetov took some shit and just smeared it all over the pages of the book.

I don't want to spoil anything. I am also lazy to type and to explain. Here is the link to download the comic: http://hqsederivados.blogspot.com/search/label/image%2Fwanted. Read it and then watch the movie and see what a steaming pile of crap Timur Nuruakhitovich Bekmambetov has produced.

China, land of the ching and home of the chong.

2008-06-18T16:18:00.011+08:00

Took Cathay Pacific to Beijing. I hate their God damned Hong Kong food. To and fro, I had like four meals and every meal consisted of some variety of dim sum. Their vodka also tasted like piss.

Because of my tight schedule, I did not manage to stay in Beijing for long. After landing I had to zip off straight away to Shijiazhuang, Hebei, which is the province right next to Beijing.

Despite its proximity, Shijiazhuang is nothing like Beijing. It's a fucking one horse town. There is absolutely nothing to do over there. The air is polluted and there are no hot chicks.

There are still some remnants of the famous hutongs over there, but they are nothing like Beijing's. While Beijing's ones were retro and preserved much of their old world charm,

Shijiazhuang's hutongs were dirty, fucked up and have piss covered corridors.

The whole city, also has probably only one place that has sitting-down toilets. If you are tender bottomed like me and have, over the years, grown very accustomed to the delicacy and comfort offered by the western style toilets, your stay in Shijiazhuang will be a bitch.

After staying there a few days I traveled by train to Harbin, Heilongjiang. The train ride was boring and a real testament to China's vast size. On the map, the two places looked real close, but somehow the train ride took ten hours.

It was really boring and there was nothing to do. I spent majority of my time at the intersection of the cabins, smoking and reading a Chinese version of Benjamin Franklin's autobiography. I feel very lucky to have not been born during his time. You know what Benjamin did for fun? He takes long walks in the forest with three other dudes and they read poetry to each other.

Harbin was much better than Shijiazhuang. It was like a semi global city. You can see Caucasians walking around quite often, although most of them are probably Russian. The architecture is also pretty interesting, with century old buildings containing both Russian and Jewish influences.

During my stay I went to the Songhua River, where I saw this guy.

He was there practicing weird kungfu moves in the water. I thought he was some martial arts master and was staring at him in awe. Then this lady snapped me out to my daze and told me he was a retard who was just washing his clothes.

The next few days I went to cool places like Central Street and Guogeli Street.

They housed much of Harbin's commercial establishments and are home to thousands of "Russian Shops", which, while appearing to sell Russian imports, in actual fact sell mostly smoking paraphernalia and counterfeit watches.

The last day in Harbin I went to the local skate shop. I purchased a locally produced deck.

I spoke to the shop owner and got acquainted with some local skaters. Really wanted to skate with them that evening but it was my last night in Harbin and I already had plans. Real pity.

The skate shop was located in a shopping mall located right next to this big building which used to be the Sophia Cathedral, an Eastern Orthodox house of worship that used to cater to Russian soldiers.

Although still called the Sophia Cathedral now, it has morphed into a pathetic art museum. It sucked so much I didn't even bother going in.

After Harbin I took a train to Beijing for the flight home. The ride was ten hours and I took the time to further acquaint myself with Chung Hwa cigarettes and Benjamin Franklin. Despite being in Chinese and hence a bitch to read, it's a good book.

China.

2008-06-07T01:21:00.005+08:00

Going on a China trip tomorrow, although technically it is today.

If I can find some internet I will blog, if not, I shall not. But it probably won't be that hard.

Six o'clock red eye flight. Getting up at four. Goddammit.

Bob.

2008-06-01T00:58:00.009+08:00

This here is a sketch by my artistically inclined friend Jack. It is done for his University Portfolio.

Bob

Jack is a young struggling artist living in the streets of Singapore. He is currently awaiting enrollment at the prestigious Adelphi College.

He does a lot of shit like this and also substantial amounts of street art and graffiti. If you ever need some art done or something, don't hesitate to contact Jack.

Ravi owns.

2008-05-29T23:46:00.008+08:00

A small excerpt from the Chee siblings versus PM Lee and MM Lee trial, taken from the Straits Times.

MM Lee : I thought counsel understood english.

Ravi : No, Mr Lee, I don't understand Greek.

Epic.

If you don't know what is going on, go here.

Nuffnang Prince Caspian Contest

2008-05-16T01:17:00.001+08:00

Http://www.fighttosavenarnia.com.sg

This movie kicks ass and I am dying to see it. It kicks so much ass because it's a damn big improvement over the first movie.

The first movie was about this bunch of gay kids who stumbled upon some foo foo fairy land of talking beavers and messiah lions. This on the hand is darker and much more grittier in tone.

This movie documents the struggle of a young monarch for his rightful place on the throne that was wrenched away from him by his scheming uncle. It also showcases an unwilling hero fueled and haunted by tragedy, which in my humble opinion, really kicks ass.

If I actually were to have watched it, I would give it a fuck load of stars.

Love You, Mum.

2008-05-12T20:51:00.001+08:00

Woke up at six yesterday to cook a suprise breakfast for the family. You might think it's too early, but let me tell you, despite it being a Sunday, my mum has the habit of waking up exceptionally early.

Tried to cook something up, but then I realized that I had become very out of touch with the kitchen. I rummaged for what seemed like hours and only came up with a constipated three plates and two of those small plates that were used to put coffee mugs. I couldn't even find the coffee mugs.

I also, despite the existence of it, did not manage to find any food in the house. So in the end, I went forth with my contingency plan and ordered Macs.

Fuck. Never waking up at six again. Was like a god damned zombie the whole day.

The Sane Among the Crazy Men

2008-05-08T23:16:00.001+08:00

Found this kickass poem a while back, by this dude called Raven, he writes cool gothic poems.

The Sane Among the Crazy Men

I am the sane among the crazy men
I hear the screams I see the tears
I watch them fight back their fears
I am the sane

I am the mind among the fools
I watch them all destroy their lives
by drinking the liquors that I despise
I am the mind

I am the thought among the tears
as they pray to to gods for hope and love
but stab his back, betrayal from above
I am the thought

I am the tears despite my thought
as my world of fools begins to close
and make my walls the pedals of rose
I am the tears

I am the fool despite my mind
to be so trapped in the place that takes
my heart, my soul and my mind it shakes
I am the fool

I am the crazy man despite I'm sane
as their shrills and screams begin to bore
a hole in my head, my mind become their whore
I am the crazy man

Going over to Fir's house later to play GTA and smoke fat ones. Fuck yeah.

Nuffnang Superhero Blog-tastic Contest.

2008-05-03T00:30:00.001+08:00

This is for some Nuffnang competition. I am supposed to come up with a superhero for Singapore.

My superhero for Singapore, is Emoman, the grown up emo kid and tireless crusader for tight pants and floppy fringes. During the morning, he is mild mannered Atticus Macbeth (birth name Tan Ah Kow), flipping burgers at McDonald's and helping to fuel our country's booming economy.

He may look seemingly ordinary but beneath that mild mannered facade lies a man so dark that Hell itself has shut him out. When he was eight he watched with his own eyes his parents declining to buy him a game boy. Since that fateful night, he has traveled the island, putting himself to tests of strength and will, honing his body and mind to the absolute height of emoness.

He now walks our streets (after he knocks off at McDonald's, of course) seeking justice and vengeance for those that cannot do so themselves. While he can never find that game boy his parents had refused to buy, he has vowed never again for another child to share his fate.

When fighting the establishment as Emoman, Atticus dons the Emo-suit, a flawless testament to human craftsmanship. It is a suit that showcases the pinnacle of technological advancement and the very height of our achievement. It will be advanced well into the 30th century and is worth more than its weight in gold.

His powers, derived from years of studying on the internet, include the ability to not die after several suicide attempts and x-ray vision that sees through the iron curtains of dark hair. He also has the ability to not mosh at gigs and is able to harness the powers of darkness through bad poetry, i.e.:

               Shallow life.

               Drowning alone, I gasp for air.

               Coldness creeps over pale skin.

               There is sadness so deep it pulls me down

               Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.

In short, he is every bit the superhero Singapore needs. Establishment and conformists beware, for the Emoman is here.

Faceless

2008-04-28T18:46:00.000+08:00

Doodled this on my table some time back. I titled it "Faceless".

O Angels above, hearken thee all, hear me rhyme.
Follow me down the oblivion shrine.

It stands among the tattered, dull and void of fame.
Holding faceless souls with a long lost name.

For earth and water, their very lives they have sold.
Yet here they lie, their glorious deeds untold.

So, remember the dead, remember the fallen.
Let those that perished not be forgotten.

Marooned at sea, killed with gun or impaled by stake,
Pray for them and pray for the lives they take.

Sing! Angels above and those below, pray thee sing!
Sing of them and the victory they bring.

For our rivers are not blue and our nights nor black,
They are stained red with blood from our men's back.

Ressurection

2008-04-26T23:47:00.002+08:00

Exactly what the title says. After seeing my peers reveling in the joys of blogging, I too have decided to take up this fruity little hobby and pull this blog out of retirement before it rusts into oblivion.

Doomsdays sucked ass. During the 2 hours of mindless carnage, I could not follow the gay plot at all. All I knew was that I wanted a Bentley.

Respect

2007-02-26T03:10:00.001+08:00

Introducing the best character of all time. Dr. Hannibal Lecter. This post shall be about him and how much ass he kicks.

What makes him kick so much ass u may ask. Why would a cannibalistic sociopath deserve such an honor?

Well first of all, notice the distinguished widow's peak. As the wikipedia page would have told you, the widows peak is often associated with vampires and is therefore very cool.

He also possesses 6 fingers fully functional fingers on his left hand, a trait not very commonly seen as most people with that condition have a 6th finger which is deformed and not functional. This too, makes him exceptional and very cool.

He also, despite his small stature, appears few inches taller and exudes a lordly aura. Oh and did I mention that he is supposed to be of some royal decent? That kicks ass.

Physical features aside, Dr. Lecter is what people would call a Renaissance man, or polymath, for the intellectually challenged. A man skilled in many different disciplines. He is an exceptional doctor, an excellent artist, a skilled fighter and et cetera. That makes him very cool.

Mentally, Lecter is also above average. Unlike most serial killers who succumb to their urges, he however, controls them. He kills selectively, finishing off the morally corrupt and the mentally weak. This is a level of self discipline often unattainable by most people as the ultimate demonstration of self control lies not in abstinence but rather, moderation.

Hannibal Rising opens around this time. Go and watch it. There are the rest also, Silence Of The Lambs, Red Dragon and Hannibal. Go watch all of them. Anybody who didn't watch all 4 Hannibal movies deserves to die.

Forrest Gump: The stupidest movie ever.

2007-01-02T02:02:00.004+08:00

Forrest Gump, I watched it some years ago. Back then, I was nine and hence thought it was some cool shit. But now, I think it is the stupidest movie ever.

Last week, I was bored and turned on the TV and there he was, with his retarded face staring right at me, wearing his phony leg braces and mumbling some shit about "Stupid is as stupid does.".

"Oh my God! It's a fucking feather!"

God. What a dipshit.

The movie is as stupid as him and God only knows the depth of moral corruption it has brought about with the kind of vile messages it sends.

Lets give this movie a thorough analysis. Jenny told Forrest to run, he did and he no longer needed his phony leg braces; Jenny told Forrest to run again, he did and he got himself a scholarship; Army dudes told him to join army, he joined and topped his class in boot camp; In Vietnam, he again listened to Jenny's advise to run and he got some medal for it; Black guy told his to play ping pong and he got to go on some "ping pong" diplomacy tour with the president; Buba suggested to catch shrimp for a living and Forrest got filthy rich.

So Forrest just did what people told him to do and he got to be damn successful. Yea, you don't need your own mind at all, just do what people tell you.

On the other hand, Jenny was a free spirit and independent person, she made her own decisions and definitely had her own mind. Look where it got her, she got molested/beaten/raped by her dad, kicked out of college, had to work in a strip club, got fired from the strip club, did drugs and became a hippie. In the end, she got AIDs and died.

That's right, follow people around and you become rich, have you own mind and you get AIDs.